Gay Mardi Gras (Read: Rob Sins Mucho)

Preface: I feel I don't need to tell you that this entry isn't for homophobes. Whatever, I have to deal with straight people talking about their sex life all the time, and I NEVER complain, so I trust that everyone can read this with at least tolerance and I'm not going to make this entry any more raunchy than my blog already is, so fucking deal with it, straight people. It may help those of you to know that I do not have sex unless in a relationship with that person. I stayed true to that this weekend.

Friday March 7, 2009:
Myself, roommates Tammy, Lauren H, Lauren C, Rachel, Jess, Phil, and Cameron decide to take the 7:30 am train to Sydney. It was the only one without a delay. Everyone but Phil and Cameron sleep through it and decide to take the 10:20 train. As Tammy, Lauren H and I are walking towards the train station, I realize I've forgotten my passport, which you need to check in at the hostel we were staying at. This was at 10:05. I give Tammy my bag and sprint back to the house. We live on a hill. A very steep hill of death. I run up and down the hill twice everyday and nearly faint at the end. It's a good thing I've been training thus far, so I grab my passport and book it back to the train station. I get there at 10:17 to wait in line behind 5 people. The 2nd person in line gets to the counter and asks where the FUCKING BUS STATION IS. I'm killing myself at this point. Finally, I am about to buy my ticket, and my landlord calls me asking where my bond is. WHAT? WTF? This whole situation is giving me a heart attack. I yell at my landlord, buy my ticket and run to the train. Awesome start. Nothing like panting and sweating on a train full of staring strangers.

My friends and I arrive in Sydney and check in to our hostel. Then we go touristing across Sydney. AGAIN. Nick Morley, my native Australian friend calls, and we make plans for dinner and drinking afterward. I ditch my current friends and go to a liquor store. I picked out a box of wine (Goon) and went back to the hostel to get ready. The only closed toed shoes I brought to Australia are a pair of sneakers. Sydney bars don't allow you in if your shoes have laces or sandals. Pricks. I find this out when Nick and I go to the bar attached to my hostel which allows all cultures, and all shoes, and he informs me that there's no way I will get in anywhere with my current footwear and I need to buy a pair of White shoes with no laces at the shoe store across the street. It's too late at this point to rectify my mistake of footwear, and Nick needed to go to a fancy bar uptown, so we said our farewells, and he was on his way. My friends whom I earlier ditched were at the same bar, and really wanted to go to Ivy, the nicest bar in Sydney. Nick told me that if I had girls, I would probably be given more leniency to my shoe situation. Luckily, our group had A LOT of bitches, so things were looking good. We went bar hopping along the way to Ivy, and we stopped at this Irish pub with a live band. I took full advantage of the Shots-aren't-illegal-in-Sydney law and had a Tequila. The band started playing Sex On Fire, my theme song for Australia, and we all danced to that one. Lauren H was a little tipsy, as was Tammy, and out of the blue, Lauren's drink crashed on the floor. We left before we could get kicked out. Phil disappears at this point. Cameron feels bad about losing his best friend, and leaves to find Phil. All but Lauren H and I pile into a cab, and Lauren and I probably looked like fools trying to hail another one. We arrive at Ivy where Lauren C is waiting for us and we get in line. The bouncer checks out my attire, eyes lingering on my laces.

He says, "So, you got 2 girls with you, huh?"
Rob: "Yea, I'm a regular Hugh Hefner, can I go in?"
Bouncer: "Yea, but I wouldn't stray too far from your women."
Rob (To myself): "Nick fuckin knows his shit."

Ivy is a huge, really classy bar. The people in it were extremely pretentious, and I didn't see a damn person under 30. I immediately hated everyone and everything. Tammy was dancing with a man who I thought looked 40, but ended up only being 37. Judge at your own risk, because Tammy could probably take you out, and she hates being judged. I dip out about 15 minutes after being here, because I truly lost anything remote to a buzz with all my loathing of Ivy. As soon as I left, I run into Phil and Cam who want to go in. I turn around, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get in with my shoes, but I wanted to see Phil try, because he had laces AND a T-shirt. The Bouncer kinda laughed at him and said no, he needed a smarter shirt and shoes. Pricks. The girls come out shortly after sans Tammy and Lauren H. Whatever, Tammy can protect the both of them. As soon as I get away from Ivy, my drunk returns, and I am happy once more. We go to more bars.

After a few more bars, the girls get hungry and start going to KFC. I no longer eat fast food, so I ditched once again and went back to the bar by our hostel. I go up to the bartender and order.

Rob: "Could I get a Cider and Black?"
Bartender: "Wait... you want Cider... and Black... Mixed together?!"
(Side Note: Cider is spiked cider in tap form, and black is a type of alcohol that turns cider red, and impossibly better in taste. Most bars have no idea what this drink is, but this bar was always good about it.)
Rob: "Did I stutter?"
Bartender: "No, but you slurred a little bit."
Rob: "Okay, comedian, ask your bartender friends, and they'll be able to do it for you."

The bartender did as was asked, and I got my drink. The bar was really lame at this point though, so I chugged my glass and went back to my room. I poured myself 2 glasses of wine and drank angrily alone. I passed out on my top bunk with a half full glass and amazingly, it tipped over, but so perfectly, that it stayed up on my bed at an angle that made it dangerously close to pouring all over Phil's expensive electronics. How am I NOT Jesus?

Saturday March 8th, 2009
The first thing I thought: I need a fucking pair of lace less white shoes. Today was Mardi Gras parade day, so we had all planned on shopping and getting our gay attire and just shopping in general. I went across the street to the shoe store which was completely populated by Asia. I found a pair of white lace less shoes and asked for them. She said what size, and I said 'The biggest size you have'. She stared at me, requiring me to oogle back at her repeating myself. She said with a shaky voice, "We have 47's..." I said, "that's fine bring them out." They were still too small and the look of astonishment was clear on her face. Whatever bitch, at least I can open my eyes all the way. I'd trade small feet for that any day. I bought the shoes regardless and decided they would hurt, but I could get into any bar now!

We spent the day going from store to store. Store workers down here talk to people a lot more than in the states, so I amazed a few with my wit and American accent. I bought my 'Gay is Sin' shirt and Male symbol necklace, thinking that with my new shoes, I'll be gay enough. We get back to the hostel and I get dressed and start drinking immediately. It's about 3 pm. Lauren H, Tammy, and I decided to stay at the hostel and drink for awhile when everyone else decided to go check out the parade street. I was going to go with the other group, but Tammy dangled booze in front of my face, and I was convinced. We leave the hostel and start heading to the bar on the parade street our friends told us to go to. I get to that bar and black out for awhile. Somehow, I got a beer, some guy named Jamie's number, and a life long ban from that bar. Whoops. Well, the parts I do remember include looking at the parade from their 2nd story window and a guy named Dave who checked me out obviously and gave me his number. Remember: I recall Dave giving me his number, I have no idea who Jamie is or how is number is in my phone.

I don't remember leaving all my friends, but I do remember running into a group of guys on the street. One grabs me and pulls me into the group. They introduce themselves and tell me how attractive I am. I use my hilarious ego and say I knew how great I was, but it's nice to be reminded. They laughed a little too hard, and I got a little suspicious, but hell, I AM hilarious. I met an Italian in this group, and we talked for about the majority of the parade, all the while these guys are buying me more alcohol (We were allowed to drink on the street). They got me so drunk that when they brought out their camera and asked if they could take a picture of my penis, I obliged. So if anyone sees any porn with what seems to be my dick, let me know. I made out with said Italian shortly after, and then ditched them all when they started talking about cocaine. I'm NOT getting arrested in Sydney.

I wander around staring at all the gays when my phone goes off. I have a roommate named Jamie in Newcastle. She decided not to come to Sydney this weekend, so you can imagine my surprise when I get a text from Jamie! The following text conversation is verbatim from my phone history... I can't make this shit up.

Jamie: "Hey u still alone"
Rob: "Yea"
Jamie: "Come meet us at Hungry Jacks. If ur still alone ok"
Rob: "Why are you in Sydney? THERE ARE 5 HUNGRY JACKS ON PITT ST!"
Jamie: "Call me now so I know if u r coming"
Rob: "I don't know if I can make it, lady. Where is it?"
Jamie "Lady? The one by Hyde Park."
Rob: "WOMAN, make up your mind. I can't call you fool, friend OR lady?"
Jamie: "Call me when u r at hyde park"
-Jamie is obviously not the Jamie I think, but I do not remember meeting a male Jamie
(Jamie calls, but I do not answer for some reason)
Jamie: Hey if u r at hyde park cose come ova on the other side where the big fountain call me if u want
Rob: "I don't remember a fountain."
Jamie: "If u still want 2 see me ill be at the big fountain :) ;)
Rob: "Jamie, I'm so confused... What are you doing in Sydney and why do you want to see me so bad?"

End of Jamie and Rob Saturday night texting

All the while I have been texting Dave. These are less funny because there's no ironic message behind the texts. I call him and meet him at a restaurant with him and a couple girls. He buys me wine and we sit there for a while before we start making out in front of everyone. Hardcore making out. It's full of gay guys who start watching us. They start making jokes to the waiters. "We'll have what they're having." that kinda crap. I'm too drunk to care. We leave the restaurant and make out in the street. More gay guys start yelling at us to get a room and cheer us on. At one point, our hands were in naughty places and the cops intervene. I am NOT getting arrested in Sydney! We apologized and settled for making out. Rob is a whore.

Dave walked me home for I needed to be up @ 6 am for skydiving. It was 3am. Dave was a gentleman and didn't push anything sexual. He was also 30. FUCK.

Sunday March 8th, 2009

I woke up too hungover to change. I could barely move. I dragged myself to the lobby to check out and walked to the skydiving headquarters. Tammy was with me. She almost had to forge my signature on all the paperwork. We get on the shuttle to the field where we'll be parachuting. I'm getting a lot of stares. Imagine me, all decked out with Gay paraphernalia, barely alive, and going skydiving. Yep.

My instructor liked my shirt and asked if I had been to Mardi Gras yesterday. I said of course. We had to jump out with a bunch of Asians who made fun of gays. Whatever, asswipes. I'd rather sleep with men than not have a good grasp on how much everyone hates me. They were very stereotypical Asians too, so that was really funny.

Skydiving was exhilarating, but also kind of painful. The harness was really tight, and knocked the wind out of me many times. My chest is in pain still and it's the next day. Also the noise level is deafening. But other than that, there's no way I can describe what it's like jumping out of a plane at 14,000 feet and free falling for 45 seconds. It was truly an amazing experience, but I'm good on jumping for a while.

When Tam and I were done, we ate Kangaroo burgers and caught the train back to Newcastle. Kangaroo tastes amazing. When we got back, I had to walk with me Gay is Sin shirt past the cathedral we live by, just in time for mass to start, so lots of people turned to stare at me. Whatever catholic jerks, at least I have freedom from obscure bible meanings that come from obscure bible writings. I think I told Lauren H and Tam about Leviticus. Fuck it.

Anywhom, I show up back home and I turn to Jamie.

Rob:"So why did you go to Sydney"
Jamie: "What are you talking about?"
Rob: "YOU texted me like 15 times! You told me to meet you at Hungry Jacks!"
Jamie: "No."
Rob: "Look, here's your first text... Hey are you still alone?"
Jamie: (Laughing)"Would I even say that to you?"
Rob: "BUT YOU'RE JAMIE!"
Jamie: (Laughing harder) "Do you have more than one in your phone?"
Rob: "Not that I know of!"
I look through my phone and find 2 Jamies there.
Rob: "WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?"
Jamie: "I was definitely here all weekend."
Rob: "Who the hell is Jamie?!"

I decide to ignore the other Jamie until he texts me that night. Again, this is the conversation verbatim:

JamieBoy: "Hey wat r u doing? XO"
Rob: "Just chillin back in Newcastle"
JamieBoy: "Im at my home & do you have msn?"
Rob: "Nope. Just facebook. And I don't have internet in my flat."
JamieBoy: "So u live here in aussie for good xo"
Rob: "haha, well, until July"
JamieBoy: "Awww i miss u btw since after seen u last nite how r u? Oh and im so sorry about last nite i was looking 4 u around hyde park.
Rob: "I am fine. I had a lot of fun last night anyway. No worries."
JamieBoy: "How old r u? r u single?"
Rob: "20 and yes."
JamieBoy cannot read how much I do not really want to go through this with him
JamieBoy: "Im 18 & hell yes im single too. Is my age alrite with you?"
Rob: "I'm not morally offended by your age, no."
Jamieboy: "I know this might be quick 2 ask u but would u like 2 go out with me?"
Jesus Christ. At least he's not 30, but I still don't even know what he looks like!
Rob: "actually i don't remember who you are..."
JamieBoy: I was wearing the blue wings"
Still no clue. Alcohol is easily my best friend and worst enemy.
Rob: "Oh, I know now! Sorry about that. I'd go on a date or something, but not dating yet."
JamieBoy: "Ok, koolz. I'll add you on facebook. Is it ok with u if i put on it I love ROB"
Oh. Lord.
Rob: "Most people do, I guess"
JamieBoy: "hahaha, you are so funny."
Rob: "I'm going to bed."
JamieBoy: "Goodnite sweet dreams xo"

That is the end, sort of. I'm going to find out who Jamie is, but I probably won't pursue. If I do, he'll probably read my blog at some point and realize a lot of things, including that I made out with about 5 guys over the entire Mardi Gras. No sex though, I have whorish boundaries. Tammy told me yesterday that Mardi Gras in Sydney was like a big gay single-fest and she wished that straight people had one. I've never been more offended. STRAIGHT PEOPLE HAVE SINGLE FESTS EVERY FUCKIN DAY. GO TO BARS. I figure my behavior makes up for being celibate for so long, and for not actively pursuing gays.