New Zealand Part 2 Part 2

Pre-Preface:
To those of you who are offended by 'mean' humor, DON'T read this. Even I offended myself.

Also, if you are not feeling well, I wouldn't read this. I WILL be making reference to morbid obesity, Mayonaisse, and if we're lucky, jizz.

Preface:
Recently, I've read 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' by Tucker Max. It's a book about a guy who doesn't necessarily drink as often as I do, but drinks much more at one time. He in insanely intelligent and has an amazing wit. As I finished his book, I decided to see what life would be like if I acted like him for a night. And much like him, my experiment ended up being write-down worthy. Just to forewarn, Tucker Max once literally punched a girl in the vagina while she did a keg stand. Being him for a night wasn't going to bode well.

The Meanest Thing I Think I've Ever Done

It was February 13, 2009 and I was being a tourist in Invercargill, New Zealand. Our awesome bus driver, Steff, had challenged us all to a great game of 'Ring of Fire'. I love drinking card games. We drove to this sacred place they call Liquorland. I had to take a picture with the sign. I bought a bottle of Pinot Gris and a 6 pack of Tui (New Zealand beer). We then went to the hostel and got settled in. I immediately crack open a beer and pre-game in the shower. Tammy does the same. I hadn't really eaten anything yet, so after 2 beers, I'm already buzzed. Time for food. At the restaurant, I order 2 more beers and a sandwich. After food, we went back to the hostel to play our game. We come up with so many rules that it's impossible for us to NOT get hammered. Or maybe it was only Tammy and I who were hammered... I don't really know. Anyway, we played the game in the fashion that if you draw a king, you pour some of your beverage into the cup in the middle, but the last king drawn must skull (chug) the middle cup. Well, of course, I drew the last king. That center cup was looking a little sketchy all game and when I received it, the drink was bright red in color. RED?!

"Hey!" I yelled, "No one who drew a king had red wine! You fucks are cheating!"
"Stop bein' a pussy and drink!" Steff said. Bitch. SHE didn't have to drink it. I took a ssip and was greeted with a tasty beverage that I later named 'Devils Diarrhea'. It was like trying to chug vomit. I drank 1/4 of it before I just couldn't do it anymore and Tammy stepped up and drank the rest like it was water. I thought 'She must be used to swallowing unpleasant things.' Just kidding Tam. Sorta.

So we finish the game and decide to go to the bars. In New Zealand, it's illegal to be intoxicated, or try to get intoxicated in bars. I put on my most sober face, got past the bouncers and immediately hit the bar. I grabbed $20 out of my wallet, held it to the bartender and said, "Give me a shot of anything that doesn't need a chaser!"

Bartender: "What do you even like?"
Rob: "Everything!!"
Bartender: "Well, I just found a new recipe yesterday..."
Rob: "I want it."
Bartender: "It's called a lava lamp."
Rob: "This is called money. Please give me alcohol."

The bartender laughed and gave me a shot that did indeed look like a lava lamp, and I paid $8 for it and ran to my friends at the pool tables. It wasn't too long before I decided I needed more alcohol. I did, afterall, need to get Tucker Max drunk. I walked up to the bar and a girl was working. I decided to try to get free or cheap alcohol by flirting with her with my adorable American accent. It kinda worked because I paid $10, got 2 bourbon and colas AND a T-shirt. I was impressed with my skillz, especially since the drink conversation went similar to this:

GirlBartender: "So, what would you like?"
Rob: "I ONLY HAVE $10, WHAT WILL GET ME WASTED?"
GirlBartender: "You can't ask that, it's illegal."
Rob: "Uh... What? Hold on, if YOU were me, what would you get to get drunk?"
(She stares at me for minute, dumbfounded by stupidity)
GirlBartender: sigh... "Give me your money."

At this point, I wasn't satisfied with how little I was portraying Tucker Max. Then I realized that I needed to verbally abuse someone and use my wit to make them feel even worse when they tried to defend themself. I saw the perfect targets: 2 morbidly obese girls were playing pool. Immediately, I thought of a joke about not eating the pool balls, that's not how normal people play games. I turned to my friends, pointed at the girls and said I was going to go say hi to the manatees. Before I could do any damage, they shuffled me out of the bar. My friends are pussies and decided to go back to the hostel. Tammy and I decided to go to a different bar.

We were tourists, and this was a strange new city. We followed music to a new bar. The bouncers were not pleased with my intoxication.

HugeBouncer: "You look drunk"
Rob: "I'm from the US of A. We ALWAYS look drunk."
HugeBouncer: "How many have you had?"
Rob: "Um... 4 or 5?" (Technically, it was more around 14 or 15)
Tammy: "Just let him in, he's my friend"
HugeBouncer: "Just take it easy in there."
Rob: "You won't regret this."

I walk in, and low & behold, I have a new victim. If there was such a thing as double morbid obesity, she'd be a triple. I caught her eye and smiled a seductive smile. I motioned for her to come over and talk. She lumbered over, creating a minor earthquake, and I gestured like I was going to whisper in her ear.

At normal vocal volume I said, "I didn't know they allowed beached whales in here!"

Many things happened at once:
-She froze, and her drink that looked like (and probably was) a Mayonaisse milkshake fell onto the bar.
-I realized I wasn't capable of being Tucker Max and regretted saying ANYTHING to her.
-I decided I needed to leave the bar
-So did the bouncers.

HugeBouncer: "I think it's time you leave."
Rob: "I couldn't agree more."
(We begin to leave the bar, Tammy in tow.)
Rob: "Have you ever worked for New Zealand Jerry Springer?"
HugeBouncer: "Just stay the fuck away from my pub."

Tammy and I start walking in the direction we think is home, when I hear an angry stampede behind us. The Whale is moving at full speed (slightly slower than my current walking pace) towards us and hurling insults and threats. To every threat, I yelled back that she'd have to catch us first. To every insult, I twisted her words around and threw back a better one. Tammy was scared as all hell, and was trying to separate herself from my situation.

After we walk 3 blocks, I yell back to the Whale that if she did this more often, there wouldn't be an issue. she gave up shortly after that, and Tammy and I were thoroughly lost. We didn't even know our hostel's name or street. We asked a few strangers where ANY hostels were. A few answers:

-There AREN'T any hostels in Invercargill!
-I don't know of any on THIS side of town.
-You're really lost in this city?! hahaha!

Tammy, who is a great assistant, saved her receipt from dinner, the restaurant being next door to the hostel. We were pointed in the right direction and finally made it back. I stripped down to my shorts and crawled into bed. For some reason I felt my chest for my neck pouch containing my passport, and Billy the Unicorn. Of course, I hadn't worn it that day, but I panicked regardless. My honest thoughts were: "THE WHALE ATE MY PASSPORT! I'll never see Billy again!" I searched my room, found my neck pouch, and tied it around me before crawling back into bed.

The next morning, Tammy woke up with a terrible hangover. I felt fine. Devil's Diarrhea? I think so.

I really do find my behavior mortifying, but hilarious. I've since vowed to never be Tucker Max again. He's too much of an asshole.