How I become World Famous.

Okay, to be honest with you all, I'm very drunk while writing this, but this night has been so crazy that I doubt I'll remember it all sober. Though I may revise things when I have had a few hours to reflect and ...reflect. We started off the night with me not really feeling like drinking. I mean, I'll DRINK, but I just won't feel up to it.

So we get me good and drunk and decide to go to our regular Wednesday night drinking spot, Customs bar. I get 2 beers and pay in all change, because I have a huge abundance of 20 cent coins. I give the bartender about 30 cents extra because this poor girl has to count out $6 in 20 cent coins, and she deserves a little sumthin sumthin after that kind of nonsense. Well, she doesn't give a shit, and she practically tackles me to give me my 30 cents of change. I yelled at her saying something along the lines of "I'm just going to bring this change back to Customs later so you'll have to keep it sometime!"

While at Customs, I find a few Australian girls that I'd met a few weeks back, and they'd fallen in love with me. We drink a few together, and I go back to find my roommates. Phil and Cameron, a couple of my roommates think that one of my Australian friends is cute and I offer to introduce them. I do so, and as soon as Cameron tries to strike up a conversation with one of them, she decides to go to the toilet. She obviously finishes going to the bathroom, comes back, sees Cameron, and runs the other way. Super-amazing-ditch. She gets credit for having the guts to not come up with another excuse to ditch him.

So Phil and Cameron get bored with the current girls at the table for they are less interesting (read: not pretty). They decide to go over to the Brewery. I'm invited. Here's the toss up: Customs is my favorite bar, but it's impossible to buy a drink there after 10 PM because the lines create some sort of madness that requires a 68 minute wait for any type of beverage VERSUS Brewery, where they overprice everything, but a lot of people love to stay in the chill atmosphere. I decide to go to the brewery, mostly because I wasn't going to get a drink either way, and it's nice to get a change of scenery every now and then.

At the Brewery, we find a few girls from Iowa State (Represent!). I'd met them before, and I had just partied with them the night before. They both gave me a big hug and told me how much they loved me. I love it when people openly declare how awesome and lovable I am, so I immediately love them too. Then they told me that they had had a conversation earlier today about how much they loved me. I am obviously 'all that'. One of the girls, 'Hutch', shoves her drink to my face and pours. I can only swallow so fast. The excess flows down my face, but I catch it with my hand. I drink from my hand, because, at least where I come from, we don't waste that shit.

While at the Brewery, Phil is making friends too. Phil bought a button up shirt to try to dress better to get into bars, but the idiot buys a flannel button up shirt. WELL, there's a really short Australian guy at the Brewery who is also wearing a button up flannel shirt, and he's really excited to find another person of such refined taste. I taunt Phil for this a few minutes later, and he has no real response.

Phil, Cameron, and I decide to leave the Brewery before too long, and decide it's time to meet our friends at the local dance/nightclub, Fanny's. Cameron decides that he'd actually like to go back home. Probably the better choice. Phil and I walk about 3/4 of the way there when 2 Australian girls attack us.

Girls: "Come with us! We just came from Fanny's! It's boring!"
Us: "We're meeting friends and have to go to Fanny's."
Girls: "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?!??!?!"
Us: "Muthafuckin IOWA!"
Girls: "Is that in the south?!"
Us: "...middle... kind of by Chicago."
Girls: "We're going to the Great Northo (another bar)! Come with us!"
At this point, one girl is dragging me with her, and I'm about to join her on her crazy Australian adventure, and I really would have if Phil had seemed up to it.
Us: "We have to go to Fanny's. We'll be there for awhile..."
Girls: "THEY CLOSE AT 1:30! It's 11:50 now! Come with us! AND WE'LL BE BACK AT FANNY'S REALLY SOON!"
These girls are d.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e.


We end up going to Fanny's, and we quickly find our friends. On the the dancefloor, I find a camera, wallet, and phone, which I quickly snatch up and consider keeping forever. Until I look through the phone. I have A LOT of the same names in my phone. SHIT. This is one of my friends phones, and most likely, their camera and wallet. I ask around. It's Lauren H's stuff. Jesus. Her dancing is so outrageous, she has no idea that she's literally losing her shit over it.

After a few black people songs at Fanny's, I get bored and realize I have no idea how to dance to music I've never heard before. I decide to walk back, and tell my friends I'm leaving. I make it most of the way home before I turn onto my street. There are port-o-potties, grills, orange cones, and people everywhere. I'm amazed. One of the workers has me pause and read one of their signs out loud. Me being a speech minor, I sounded pretty legit. They filmed me walking up the rest of the street (I was just trying to get home), and at the end of the road, another worker had me sign a release form. Turns out, I just filmed an Australian car commercial. I have no idea how or why, but there should be no doubt to my world fame.

To be revised whilst sober

My new Family.

It was a friday night, and a bunch of us decided to go drinking. Shocker. I had had a bottle of wine and was pretty drunk when we decided to walk down to the closest bar, the Brewery. They have a live band on friday nights out on their pier, so after we ordered at the bar, we went to an outside table. Our table had run out of chairs after I, the gentleman, let the women sit down first. There was a table to our left that had a small group of people and a large amount of chairs. I did my usual bold-drunk move of walking up to the people and asking for a chair. The oldest woman who seemed about 50 said, "You better not take any chairs!" I shrugged and started walking away when she grabbed my arm and said she was only kidding.

Woman: "I was only kidding! This is the first time I've been out in 7 years!"
Rob: "Sweet. So I can have a chair?"
Woman: "...wait. Say something else!"
She noticed my beautiful accent and wants more of the Rob. Who can blame?
Rob: "What do you want me to say?"
Woman: "ANYTHING"
Rob: "Well, I'm from the United States and I'm here until July, studying at the Uni."

At this point she was practically creaming her pants, and was loving the shit out of me. I of course love people who love me more, and appreciated her. I took the chair back to my table where all 7 girls were taking pictures. AGAIN. It's like they need 5000 pictures of the same people at the same place at a time that looks the same as always. They paid zero attention to me, and I quickly got bored. I asked my friend Jamie to take a picture of me with my public, and I walked back to the older woman. She was delighted when I returned, which in turn, made me delighted.

I got a few sweet pictures, and this woman kept giving me hugs. Her name was Annette, and soon I was introduced to her entire family. I met her daughter Suzie, whom I was told later had terrible depression, and had tried to commit suicide earlier that week. Then I met her daughter-in-law Annette, yes, another one, who liked me almost as much as Annette #1. I finished my beers by the time I'd met Annette #2, and Suzie bought me 2 more. I was LOVIN all over this new family. Soon, I met both Annette and Suzie's husbands and they started giving me advice about what wineries I should try the next day for my wine tour.

Annette #1 did not like the fact that I was now paying attention to others, and demanded that her home phone number be in my phone. That's cool, and I allow them all to enter their numbers. World famous.

They then invited me over to their Kangaroo ranch for BBQs every Saturday. I have yet to call them and take up this delicious offer.



They also kept telling me how attractive I was, and Annette #1 told me many, MANY times that she was honoured to meet me. Hell, I would be too. I'm so glad I'm myself, because damnit, I would be a stalker of me if I wasn't.

Also, after they impressed upon me how great looking I was, Annette #1 turned to the table full of girls and asked if any of them were "special". I laughed and told her no, and outed myself to this perfect stranger, which is a rare spectacle. She told me that I need to start dating her grandson... who was 30. THIRTY. I'm cursed. I said that I'm sure I would love to, but I'm not really capable of having a good relationship overseas.

Just then, my friends at the other table had decided that they had enough pictures of each other and wanted to go to the upper deck. They were probably going up there to find guys, so I told them that I would do just fine with my family who kept buying me drinks.

After a few nonsense conversations with these people, they started telling me how careful I need to be around Newcastle. I thought that they were just being overprotective, but Annette #2 told me a story that made me think otherwise: Ice is the name of a drug in Australia that creates really unpredictable behavior. Newcastle is the Ice capital of the world. She had had a friend who tried Ice for the first time a year ago, and he dug his finger into his eye socket, popped out his eye and ate it. That was enough of a story for me to want to leave. They all told me that no matter what the distance, I need to start taking taxis wherever I go. It's worth the money for safety. Whatever. I have beers to buy. Safety be damned.

We talked for a long while before I realized that my friends ditched me a while ago, and I should go find them. I say goodbye to everyone and head upstairs. The girls laugh at me and tell me how strange I am, but they can suck it, cause I got about 4 beers off of them. And a sweet new urge to try Ice.

Gay Mardi Gras (Read: Rob Sins Mucho)

Preface: I feel I don't need to tell you that this entry isn't for homophobes. Whatever, I have to deal with straight people talking about their sex life all the time, and I NEVER complain, so I trust that everyone can read this with at least tolerance and I'm not going to make this entry any more raunchy than my blog already is, so fucking deal with it, straight people. It may help those of you to know that I do not have sex unless in a relationship with that person. I stayed true to that this weekend.

Friday March 7, 2009:
Myself, roommates Tammy, Lauren H, Lauren C, Rachel, Jess, Phil, and Cameron decide to take the 7:30 am train to Sydney. It was the only one without a delay. Everyone but Phil and Cameron sleep through it and decide to take the 10:20 train. As Tammy, Lauren H and I are walking towards the train station, I realize I've forgotten my passport, which you need to check in at the hostel we were staying at. This was at 10:05. I give Tammy my bag and sprint back to the house. We live on a hill. A very steep hill of death. I run up and down the hill twice everyday and nearly faint at the end. It's a good thing I've been training thus far, so I grab my passport and book it back to the train station. I get there at 10:17 to wait in line behind 5 people. The 2nd person in line gets to the counter and asks where the FUCKING BUS STATION IS. I'm killing myself at this point. Finally, I am about to buy my ticket, and my landlord calls me asking where my bond is. WHAT? WTF? This whole situation is giving me a heart attack. I yell at my landlord, buy my ticket and run to the train. Awesome start. Nothing like panting and sweating on a train full of staring strangers.

My friends and I arrive in Sydney and check in to our hostel. Then we go touristing across Sydney. AGAIN. Nick Morley, my native Australian friend calls, and we make plans for dinner and drinking afterward. I ditch my current friends and go to a liquor store. I picked out a box of wine (Goon) and went back to the hostel to get ready. The only closed toed shoes I brought to Australia are a pair of sneakers. Sydney bars don't allow you in if your shoes have laces or sandals. Pricks. I find this out when Nick and I go to the bar attached to my hostel which allows all cultures, and all shoes, and he informs me that there's no way I will get in anywhere with my current footwear and I need to buy a pair of White shoes with no laces at the shoe store across the street. It's too late at this point to rectify my mistake of footwear, and Nick needed to go to a fancy bar uptown, so we said our farewells, and he was on his way. My friends whom I earlier ditched were at the same bar, and really wanted to go to Ivy, the nicest bar in Sydney. Nick told me that if I had girls, I would probably be given more leniency to my shoe situation. Luckily, our group had A LOT of bitches, so things were looking good. We went bar hopping along the way to Ivy, and we stopped at this Irish pub with a live band. I took full advantage of the Shots-aren't-illegal-in-Sydney law and had a Tequila. The band started playing Sex On Fire, my theme song for Australia, and we all danced to that one. Lauren H was a little tipsy, as was Tammy, and out of the blue, Lauren's drink crashed on the floor. We left before we could get kicked out. Phil disappears at this point. Cameron feels bad about losing his best friend, and leaves to find Phil. All but Lauren H and I pile into a cab, and Lauren and I probably looked like fools trying to hail another one. We arrive at Ivy where Lauren C is waiting for us and we get in line. The bouncer checks out my attire, eyes lingering on my laces.

He says, "So, you got 2 girls with you, huh?"
Rob: "Yea, I'm a regular Hugh Hefner, can I go in?"
Bouncer: "Yea, but I wouldn't stray too far from your women."
Rob (To myself): "Nick fuckin knows his shit."

Ivy is a huge, really classy bar. The people in it were extremely pretentious, and I didn't see a damn person under 30. I immediately hated everyone and everything. Tammy was dancing with a man who I thought looked 40, but ended up only being 37. Judge at your own risk, because Tammy could probably take you out, and she hates being judged. I dip out about 15 minutes after being here, because I truly lost anything remote to a buzz with all my loathing of Ivy. As soon as I left, I run into Phil and Cam who want to go in. I turn around, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get in with my shoes, but I wanted to see Phil try, because he had laces AND a T-shirt. The Bouncer kinda laughed at him and said no, he needed a smarter shirt and shoes. Pricks. The girls come out shortly after sans Tammy and Lauren H. Whatever, Tammy can protect the both of them. As soon as I get away from Ivy, my drunk returns, and I am happy once more. We go to more bars.

After a few more bars, the girls get hungry and start going to KFC. I no longer eat fast food, so I ditched once again and went back to the bar by our hostel. I go up to the bartender and order.

Rob: "Could I get a Cider and Black?"
Bartender: "Wait... you want Cider... and Black... Mixed together?!"
(Side Note: Cider is spiked cider in tap form, and black is a type of alcohol that turns cider red, and impossibly better in taste. Most bars have no idea what this drink is, but this bar was always good about it.)
Rob: "Did I stutter?"
Bartender: "No, but you slurred a little bit."
Rob: "Okay, comedian, ask your bartender friends, and they'll be able to do it for you."

The bartender did as was asked, and I got my drink. The bar was really lame at this point though, so I chugged my glass and went back to my room. I poured myself 2 glasses of wine and drank angrily alone. I passed out on my top bunk with a half full glass and amazingly, it tipped over, but so perfectly, that it stayed up on my bed at an angle that made it dangerously close to pouring all over Phil's expensive electronics. How am I NOT Jesus?

Saturday March 8th, 2009
The first thing I thought: I need a fucking pair of lace less white shoes. Today was Mardi Gras parade day, so we had all planned on shopping and getting our gay attire and just shopping in general. I went across the street to the shoe store which was completely populated by Asia. I found a pair of white lace less shoes and asked for them. She said what size, and I said 'The biggest size you have'. She stared at me, requiring me to oogle back at her repeating myself. She said with a shaky voice, "We have 47's..." I said, "that's fine bring them out." They were still too small and the look of astonishment was clear on her face. Whatever bitch, at least I can open my eyes all the way. I'd trade small feet for that any day. I bought the shoes regardless and decided they would hurt, but I could get into any bar now!

We spent the day going from store to store. Store workers down here talk to people a lot more than in the states, so I amazed a few with my wit and American accent. I bought my 'Gay is Sin' shirt and Male symbol necklace, thinking that with my new shoes, I'll be gay enough. We get back to the hostel and I get dressed and start drinking immediately. It's about 3 pm. Lauren H, Tammy, and I decided to stay at the hostel and drink for awhile when everyone else decided to go check out the parade street. I was going to go with the other group, but Tammy dangled booze in front of my face, and I was convinced. We leave the hostel and start heading to the bar on the parade street our friends told us to go to. I get to that bar and black out for awhile. Somehow, I got a beer, some guy named Jamie's number, and a life long ban from that bar. Whoops. Well, the parts I do remember include looking at the parade from their 2nd story window and a guy named Dave who checked me out obviously and gave me his number. Remember: I recall Dave giving me his number, I have no idea who Jamie is or how is number is in my phone.

I don't remember leaving all my friends, but I do remember running into a group of guys on the street. One grabs me and pulls me into the group. They introduce themselves and tell me how attractive I am. I use my hilarious ego and say I knew how great I was, but it's nice to be reminded. They laughed a little too hard, and I got a little suspicious, but hell, I AM hilarious. I met an Italian in this group, and we talked for about the majority of the parade, all the while these guys are buying me more alcohol (We were allowed to drink on the street). They got me so drunk that when they brought out their camera and asked if they could take a picture of my penis, I obliged. So if anyone sees any porn with what seems to be my dick, let me know. I made out with said Italian shortly after, and then ditched them all when they started talking about cocaine. I'm NOT getting arrested in Sydney.

I wander around staring at all the gays when my phone goes off. I have a roommate named Jamie in Newcastle. She decided not to come to Sydney this weekend, so you can imagine my surprise when I get a text from Jamie! The following text conversation is verbatim from my phone history... I can't make this shit up.

Jamie: "Hey u still alone"
Rob: "Yea"
Jamie: "Come meet us at Hungry Jacks. If ur still alone ok"
Rob: "Why are you in Sydney? THERE ARE 5 HUNGRY JACKS ON PITT ST!"
Jamie: "Call me now so I know if u r coming"
Rob: "I don't know if I can make it, lady. Where is it?"
Jamie "Lady? The one by Hyde Park."
Rob: "WOMAN, make up your mind. I can't call you fool, friend OR lady?"
Jamie: "Call me when u r at hyde park"
-Jamie is obviously not the Jamie I think, but I do not remember meeting a male Jamie
(Jamie calls, but I do not answer for some reason)
Jamie: Hey if u r at hyde park cose come ova on the other side where the big fountain call me if u want
Rob: "I don't remember a fountain."
Jamie: "If u still want 2 see me ill be at the big fountain :) ;)
Rob: "Jamie, I'm so confused... What are you doing in Sydney and why do you want to see me so bad?"

End of Jamie and Rob Saturday night texting

All the while I have been texting Dave. These are less funny because there's no ironic message behind the texts. I call him and meet him at a restaurant with him and a couple girls. He buys me wine and we sit there for a while before we start making out in front of everyone. Hardcore making out. It's full of gay guys who start watching us. They start making jokes to the waiters. "We'll have what they're having." that kinda crap. I'm too drunk to care. We leave the restaurant and make out in the street. More gay guys start yelling at us to get a room and cheer us on. At one point, our hands were in naughty places and the cops intervene. I am NOT getting arrested in Sydney! We apologized and settled for making out. Rob is a whore.

Dave walked me home for I needed to be up @ 6 am for skydiving. It was 3am. Dave was a gentleman and didn't push anything sexual. He was also 30. FUCK.

Sunday March 8th, 2009

I woke up too hungover to change. I could barely move. I dragged myself to the lobby to check out and walked to the skydiving headquarters. Tammy was with me. She almost had to forge my signature on all the paperwork. We get on the shuttle to the field where we'll be parachuting. I'm getting a lot of stares. Imagine me, all decked out with Gay paraphernalia, barely alive, and going skydiving. Yep.

My instructor liked my shirt and asked if I had been to Mardi Gras yesterday. I said of course. We had to jump out with a bunch of Asians who made fun of gays. Whatever, asswipes. I'd rather sleep with men than not have a good grasp on how much everyone hates me. They were very stereotypical Asians too, so that was really funny.

Skydiving was exhilarating, but also kind of painful. The harness was really tight, and knocked the wind out of me many times. My chest is in pain still and it's the next day. Also the noise level is deafening. But other than that, there's no way I can describe what it's like jumping out of a plane at 14,000 feet and free falling for 45 seconds. It was truly an amazing experience, but I'm good on jumping for a while.

When Tam and I were done, we ate Kangaroo burgers and caught the train back to Newcastle. Kangaroo tastes amazing. When we got back, I had to walk with me Gay is Sin shirt past the cathedral we live by, just in time for mass to start, so lots of people turned to stare at me. Whatever catholic jerks, at least I have freedom from obscure bible meanings that come from obscure bible writings. I think I told Lauren H and Tam about Leviticus. Fuck it.

Anywhom, I show up back home and I turn to Jamie.

Rob:"So why did you go to Sydney"
Jamie: "What are you talking about?"
Rob: "YOU texted me like 15 times! You told me to meet you at Hungry Jacks!"
Jamie: "No."
Rob: "Look, here's your first text... Hey are you still alone?"
Jamie: (Laughing)"Would I even say that to you?"
Rob: "BUT YOU'RE JAMIE!"
Jamie: (Laughing harder) "Do you have more than one in your phone?"
Rob: "Not that I know of!"
I look through my phone and find 2 Jamies there.
Rob: "WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?"
Jamie: "I was definitely here all weekend."
Rob: "Who the hell is Jamie?!"

I decide to ignore the other Jamie until he texts me that night. Again, this is the conversation verbatim:

JamieBoy: "Hey wat r u doing? XO"
Rob: "Just chillin back in Newcastle"
JamieBoy: "Im at my home & do you have msn?"
Rob: "Nope. Just facebook. And I don't have internet in my flat."
JamieBoy: "So u live here in aussie for good xo"
Rob: "haha, well, until July"
JamieBoy: "Awww i miss u btw since after seen u last nite how r u? Oh and im so sorry about last nite i was looking 4 u around hyde park.
Rob: "I am fine. I had a lot of fun last night anyway. No worries."
JamieBoy: "How old r u? r u single?"
Rob: "20 and yes."
JamieBoy cannot read how much I do not really want to go through this with him
JamieBoy: "Im 18 & hell yes im single too. Is my age alrite with you?"
Rob: "I'm not morally offended by your age, no."
Jamieboy: "I know this might be quick 2 ask u but would u like 2 go out with me?"
Jesus Christ. At least he's not 30, but I still don't even know what he looks like!
Rob: "actually i don't remember who you are..."
JamieBoy: I was wearing the blue wings"
Still no clue. Alcohol is easily my best friend and worst enemy.
Rob: "Oh, I know now! Sorry about that. I'd go on a date or something, but not dating yet."
JamieBoy: "Ok, koolz. I'll add you on facebook. Is it ok with u if i put on it I love ROB"
Oh. Lord.
Rob: "Most people do, I guess"
JamieBoy: "hahaha, you are so funny."
Rob: "I'm going to bed."
JamieBoy: "Goodnite sweet dreams xo"

That is the end, sort of. I'm going to find out who Jamie is, but I probably won't pursue. If I do, he'll probably read my blog at some point and realize a lot of things, including that I made out with about 5 guys over the entire Mardi Gras. No sex though, I have whorish boundaries. Tammy told me yesterday that Mardi Gras in Sydney was like a big gay single-fest and she wished that straight people had one. I've never been more offended. STRAIGHT PEOPLE HAVE SINGLE FESTS EVERY FUCKIN DAY. GO TO BARS. I figure my behavior makes up for being celibate for so long, and for not actively pursuing gays.

Newcastle.

Okay, so this is gonna be my last post for awhile... maybe. I'm going to Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras in Sydney this weekend, and I'm going to try to get the most drinks bought for me in the history of ever, so maybe that will be blog-worthy. Anyway, I'm just going to go into what life is like for me in Newcastle so far.

Tam and I moved in about half way, and pretty much just passed out on our beds. Flying is exhasting. That's pretty much all I can do to separate the days because every day has pretty much been the same. The jerks who live across our back patio are really fit and are hardcore into health, so I sit there and feel like a fatass. But it helps to live with Tammy who has a legit morning routine of: Wake up @ 9, Eat til 9:30, Take a nap till 11:30. That makes me feel a little better. However, I go for a run every morning, so that's nice too.

After my run, I decide to do something productive, whether it's doing dishes, grocery shopping, or not calling home and saving money. As soon as that's over, I go to the beach. We have had non-stop nice weather with occasional rain showers, but the rain never lasts. So far, so good on the jellyfish/shark attacks. And despite terrible peeling of skin, I'm getting a decent tan.

As for nights. I haven't spent a night without alcohol in my system, though some nights, such as last night, I only have one. ALSO! I invented a drink last night that now seems so simple. I LOVE coconut, and coconut flavoring. Well, there's this cheap knock-off of Malibu coconut rum here and all I did was mix it with milk. Coconut milk, right? That's what it ended up tasting like, and I was the first to tell me how great I am.

My impression of a few bars out here:

Brewery: It's okay. It's a few of the girls' favorite bar, but I think that's mostly because they hook up with the most guys here. The outside patio juts out into the bay and that's pretty sweet. They do NOT allow flip flops in this bar. Sucky.

Customs: My favorite. It doesn't sit on the water, but there are fountains right beside it's outside seating area. The beer is cheapest here, and on Wednesdays, it's only $2.80 a glass. That's like, 'free' at bars around here.

Fannys: (See Element in Ames)it's a nightclub, but it's very large. The only reason I go is to get my free drinks using my student card. but then I get roped into dancing. whatever. Tammy got shit-faced here and took really stupid pictures. Look forward to those showing up on the internet.

Blue-tongue bar: Um... this bar was extremely empty when I went. I came here after yelling 'All my friends just died!' and I met 2 new friends named James and Mark. Locals. Anyway, they wanted to go in Blue Tongue, and I liked the blue tiles on the outside, so I agreed. The inside consisted of 10 people talking at one table, a DJ who was the only one dancing to his music, and an extremely bored Bartender, who left the bar and sat on one of the stools on the customer side of the bar. It. was. AWESOME.

Bar on the Hill: This is the bar that's on campus. I got kicked out of this bar, not for being drunk, but for looking like I was going to get drunk. Pissed me off. I went home and ate garlic bread and watched Beauty and the Beast... also I took 3 shots because, damnit, I wasn't going to make that bouncer a liar.

Life in Newcastle is pretty great. I'm homesick for the people I left behind, but this is a great experience, and I would choose to do it again. School hasn't even started yet, and I'm saying this. All my days seem to mesh together without anything like school to break it up, so I have no idea what day or even month it is anymore. March, right? March.

Pointless story

Last night I thought I had a pretty adorable one liner.
I was walking down Hunter street separated from all my friends, and I was on the phone with Tammy. As soon as I hung up the phone, I yelled to no one in particular: "ALL MY FRIENDS JUST DIED." That little phrase introduced me to 2 new friends, and we went to a really lame bar where the bouncers laughed at my license picture because I look so happy.

New Zealand Part 2 Part 2

Pre-Preface:
To those of you who are offended by 'mean' humor, DON'T read this. Even I offended myself.

Also, if you are not feeling well, I wouldn't read this. I WILL be making reference to morbid obesity, Mayonaisse, and if we're lucky, jizz.

Preface:
Recently, I've read 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' by Tucker Max. It's a book about a guy who doesn't necessarily drink as often as I do, but drinks much more at one time. He in insanely intelligent and has an amazing wit. As I finished his book, I decided to see what life would be like if I acted like him for a night. And much like him, my experiment ended up being write-down worthy. Just to forewarn, Tucker Max once literally punched a girl in the vagina while she did a keg stand. Being him for a night wasn't going to bode well.

The Meanest Thing I Think I've Ever Done

It was February 13, 2009 and I was being a tourist in Invercargill, New Zealand. Our awesome bus driver, Steff, had challenged us all to a great game of 'Ring of Fire'. I love drinking card games. We drove to this sacred place they call Liquorland. I had to take a picture with the sign. I bought a bottle of Pinot Gris and a 6 pack of Tui (New Zealand beer). We then went to the hostel and got settled in. I immediately crack open a beer and pre-game in the shower. Tammy does the same. I hadn't really eaten anything yet, so after 2 beers, I'm already buzzed. Time for food. At the restaurant, I order 2 more beers and a sandwich. After food, we went back to the hostel to play our game. We come up with so many rules that it's impossible for us to NOT get hammered. Or maybe it was only Tammy and I who were hammered... I don't really know. Anyway, we played the game in the fashion that if you draw a king, you pour some of your beverage into the cup in the middle, but the last king drawn must skull (chug) the middle cup. Well, of course, I drew the last king. That center cup was looking a little sketchy all game and when I received it, the drink was bright red in color. RED?!

"Hey!" I yelled, "No one who drew a king had red wine! You fucks are cheating!"
"Stop bein' a pussy and drink!" Steff said. Bitch. SHE didn't have to drink it. I took a ssip and was greeted with a tasty beverage that I later named 'Devils Diarrhea'. It was like trying to chug vomit. I drank 1/4 of it before I just couldn't do it anymore and Tammy stepped up and drank the rest like it was water. I thought 'She must be used to swallowing unpleasant things.' Just kidding Tam. Sorta.

So we finish the game and decide to go to the bars. In New Zealand, it's illegal to be intoxicated, or try to get intoxicated in bars. I put on my most sober face, got past the bouncers and immediately hit the bar. I grabbed $20 out of my wallet, held it to the bartender and said, "Give me a shot of anything that doesn't need a chaser!"

Bartender: "What do you even like?"
Rob: "Everything!!"
Bartender: "Well, I just found a new recipe yesterday..."
Rob: "I want it."
Bartender: "It's called a lava lamp."
Rob: "This is called money. Please give me alcohol."

The bartender laughed and gave me a shot that did indeed look like a lava lamp, and I paid $8 for it and ran to my friends at the pool tables. It wasn't too long before I decided I needed more alcohol. I did, afterall, need to get Tucker Max drunk. I walked up to the bar and a girl was working. I decided to try to get free or cheap alcohol by flirting with her with my adorable American accent. It kinda worked because I paid $10, got 2 bourbon and colas AND a T-shirt. I was impressed with my skillz, especially since the drink conversation went similar to this:

GirlBartender: "So, what would you like?"
Rob: "I ONLY HAVE $10, WHAT WILL GET ME WASTED?"
GirlBartender: "You can't ask that, it's illegal."
Rob: "Uh... What? Hold on, if YOU were me, what would you get to get drunk?"
(She stares at me for minute, dumbfounded by stupidity)
GirlBartender: sigh... "Give me your money."

At this point, I wasn't satisfied with how little I was portraying Tucker Max. Then I realized that I needed to verbally abuse someone and use my wit to make them feel even worse when they tried to defend themself. I saw the perfect targets: 2 morbidly obese girls were playing pool. Immediately, I thought of a joke about not eating the pool balls, that's not how normal people play games. I turned to my friends, pointed at the girls and said I was going to go say hi to the manatees. Before I could do any damage, they shuffled me out of the bar. My friends are pussies and decided to go back to the hostel. Tammy and I decided to go to a different bar.

We were tourists, and this was a strange new city. We followed music to a new bar. The bouncers were not pleased with my intoxication.

HugeBouncer: "You look drunk"
Rob: "I'm from the US of A. We ALWAYS look drunk."
HugeBouncer: "How many have you had?"
Rob: "Um... 4 or 5?" (Technically, it was more around 14 or 15)
Tammy: "Just let him in, he's my friend"
HugeBouncer: "Just take it easy in there."
Rob: "You won't regret this."

I walk in, and low & behold, I have a new victim. If there was such a thing as double morbid obesity, she'd be a triple. I caught her eye and smiled a seductive smile. I motioned for her to come over and talk. She lumbered over, creating a minor earthquake, and I gestured like I was going to whisper in her ear.

At normal vocal volume I said, "I didn't know they allowed beached whales in here!"

Many things happened at once:
-She froze, and her drink that looked like (and probably was) a Mayonaisse milkshake fell onto the bar.
-I realized I wasn't capable of being Tucker Max and regretted saying ANYTHING to her.
-I decided I needed to leave the bar
-So did the bouncers.

HugeBouncer: "I think it's time you leave."
Rob: "I couldn't agree more."
(We begin to leave the bar, Tammy in tow.)
Rob: "Have you ever worked for New Zealand Jerry Springer?"
HugeBouncer: "Just stay the fuck away from my pub."

Tammy and I start walking in the direction we think is home, when I hear an angry stampede behind us. The Whale is moving at full speed (slightly slower than my current walking pace) towards us and hurling insults and threats. To every threat, I yelled back that she'd have to catch us first. To every insult, I twisted her words around and threw back a better one. Tammy was scared as all hell, and was trying to separate herself from my situation.

After we walk 3 blocks, I yell back to the Whale that if she did this more often, there wouldn't be an issue. she gave up shortly after that, and Tammy and I were thoroughly lost. We didn't even know our hostel's name or street. We asked a few strangers where ANY hostels were. A few answers:

-There AREN'T any hostels in Invercargill!
-I don't know of any on THIS side of town.
-You're really lost in this city?! hahaha!

Tammy, who is a great assistant, saved her receipt from dinner, the restaurant being next door to the hostel. We were pointed in the right direction and finally made it back. I stripped down to my shorts and crawled into bed. For some reason I felt my chest for my neck pouch containing my passport, and Billy the Unicorn. Of course, I hadn't worn it that day, but I panicked regardless. My honest thoughts were: "THE WHALE ATE MY PASSPORT! I'll never see Billy again!" I searched my room, found my neck pouch, and tied it around me before crawling back into bed.

The next morning, Tammy woke up with a terrible hangover. I felt fine. Devil's Diarrhea? I think so.

I really do find my behavior mortifying, but hilarious. I've since vowed to never be Tucker Max again. He's too much of an asshole.

New Zealand Part 2 Part 1

I've decided that 'The Worst Thing that I have ever done to a fellow human being' deserves it's own part, so this is New Zealand part 2 part 1. Meh.

Our flight DID serve alcohol for free, but I didn't realize this until after we landed, so I was a little saddened. No worries however, there's still a flight back. That first night in Christchurch, we got a few 2 4 1 coupons in the connecting bar named Saints & Sinners. The drinks were all really expensive though, so I spent about $20 and didn't even get a buzz... I went to bed, cursing New Zealand's filthy habit: keeping me sober.

Our second night in Queenstown, we decided to do a Pub Crawl, which was sponsored by a bar named Buffalo Wing. We started there, getting a free drink with the crawl. I then bought about 3 beers there, because we had to wait 40 minutes to go to the next bar and get our free drink. Our guides were kinda losers, and they said my pet peeve thing-- You know how it is with concerts or assemblies: "How are you all doing tonight?" (Crowd cheers) "That was pitiful, let's try again. HOW ARE YOU ALL DOING TONIGHT?!" (Crowd cheers louder) I FUCKING HATE THAT. Anyway, we went to about 5 bars, getting a free drink at each one, and I bought a beer at each one also. That's how they getcha. Tammy was practically slobbering all over this fat guys dick, so she was getting free drinks all night. Then when I left, she told him that she's gonna go find her friend, and we walked back to the hostel together. She's so chaste.

Our third night in Dunedin, I started reading 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell'. It's hilarious, but I was sober all night this night too. Damn you, New Zealand!

Our fourth day, when Steff started talking about 'Ring of Fire', which is pretty much Universally the same. The entire bus as an entity decided to get absofruitly shit-faced this night. I was just finishing 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell', and getting some fresh ideas stuck in my mind. The rest of this night will be chronicled in New Zealand part 2 part 1.

The events of that night made me feel kinda guilty, so I decided to give the world a break from my chaos and stayed sober in Te Anu.

When we went to Queenstown the second time, we stayed in Base hostel. The first night, we went to Ice bar, which was pretty awesome. It was -7 degrees, and I THINK that was Farenheit, but it could have been Celsius... It didn't matter, we got these big coats and gloves and drank vodka out of these glasses made of Ice. Tammy and Andrew got excited because the cups were kind of like food, and they both started eating them. ...Tourists.

The second night in Queenstown, we got drunk with our Australian roommates, and they thought we were all super geniuses for our respective majors. He talked to me about psychology classes for 15 minutes and was practically praying to me. Whatever, he's a plumber and can probably talk to me about a plunger and I'd get confused. To each their own. Everybody went down to the bars where I got 2 beers... after I downed an entire bottle of wine. I was definitely feeling like the New Zealand sober spell was all a myth. and... it was karoke night. Like true Iowa Staters, we picked Sweet Caroline, by Neil Diamond. To give you an idea this is what we were: 5 20 year olds who have had entirely too much to drink, 4 of us were sick with a cold, and we sang the extra Iowa State football game lyrics. We were booed off stage. One girl came up to me and told me that we were brave for attempting the glorious Neil Diamond, but no one in New Zealand has heard of him. Great. At least Neil made a girl fall in love with me, cause she followed me back to a table and talked to me for about 15 minutes.

The next day, we flew back to Australia. I was sitting next to a woman who obviously thought she was sitting next to her husband, because she ordered me wine. I WAS going to get a beer, but hey, whatevs. They handed me a mini-bottle of wine, and I drank it immediately. It was a small bottle, but it must be the altitude or something, cause I was feeling it.

Plane drinking is awesome, and I'll be doing it on my way back to the states.

Ready for something nauseating? Read part 2 part 2.