The weekend of May 30th, I decided to visit my friend Nick in Sydney. He lives in the Coogee beach area in an apartment. Coogee is an easy taxi or bus ride away from anywhere in Sydney you’d like to go. (This is what we in da biz call a Setting… I’m an AWESOME writer—3 years of college to thank for this shit.)
So anyway, Friday morning, I pack and walk down to the train station and buy my ticket to Sydney. I’m about 10 minutes early, and the train compartment was completely empty. I pick a seat in the middle of the car, and wait for the ride to begin. It still excites me like I’m five. Anyway, 1 minute before the train is about to depart, an entire classroom of high school aged kids came up and sat all around me. “It’s fine,” I told myself, “At least they aren’t small children.” They were all talking really loudly, and after about 10 minutes I realized that these kids were not normal. There was a girl who was on the phone talking to someone, and all the other kids wanted her to tell the person on the phone that ‘They, themselves, individually, want the person on the phone to know that they love them. This went on for about 35 minutes when what I can only assume was their teacher came over and told them they were being too loud. Then I looked over at one of them. He looked my age, but he was playing with a plastic tank. They were all mentally retarded. And they were with me on my 3 hour journey to Sydney.
…
After the girl hung up her phone, they had started a really loud conversation. I grabbed my iPod and blasted it full, and still, I could hear them. That’s when the best part happened. Over the song “Fuck You” by Lily Allen (It’s my new favorite by the way) I heard the same girl start yelling to one of the boys that he had a wonderful voice and she really wanted him to sing. I would not allow my song to be ruined by this train experience, so I turned off my iPod and braced myself. The boy delayed singing for a few minutes by saying something about not tuning his voice, but then he started singing. It sounded like me or my brother singing in church. Not good, but not embarrassing. But seriously, singing on public transportation?! Oh, retards. You are all crack-ups. I looked at tank-boy again and saw that he was trying to record the guy singing with his phone camera. When he played the recording, it ended up only playing everybody praising this kid on his voice. He was so disappointed that he didn’t see my obvious relief. Finally, 2 hours into the 3 hour ride, the train stopped at their station and they all got off. For some reason, God decided to grant me a little pity.
First time in years.
I arrive in Sydney and bus out to Coogee beach to meet Nick. He informs me of his day and that we are going to get plastered this weekend. We get to his apartment and I meet his roommates Anton and Tyler, and we start making pizza and drinks. We play MarioKart, drink 3 Scotch and Cokes, and eat pizza. When it’s time to leave, Nick and I grab a bottle of wine and Tyler drives the 3 of us to an apartment full of friends of Nick’s. I meet everyone and promptly forget their names. This is cause for drink. Nick and I finish our bottle and socialize. I’m doing my best, but I have no idea what they are talking about. But we were informed that the bar that everyone was going to was exclusive on Friday nights and you had to be on the list to get in. Luckily, 2 of the group were not going to make it, so Nick and I had fake names to give. Right before we left, we took a shot of vodka (without chaser… ugh.) from one of their roommate’s bottles. (She was not present and therefore, relinquished all rights over her alcohol)
Nick, Anton, and I took a taxi to downtown Sydney, but none of us knew where this bar was. We got off in Chinatown because this place was called Chinese Laundry, and that makes some sort of sense. Well, that was wrong. We walked in the direction Anton thought was right and came to a small outdoor bar. There was some sort of birthday celebration going on, and the bar was deserted save for a group of 30 extremely drunk people. Anton and Nick went up to the bartender to ask for directions while I watched the antics of the group. When the bartender left his post to talk to my comrades, 3 girls walked behind the bar and pulled the taps on all the beers and water. They began to drink out of them like a water fountain. The other bartender on duty was cleaning tables, but he looked over and started laughing. I was already in tears of laughter/joy/jealousy. The table-cleaner yelled something over to the direction-giver, and direction-giver turned to the girls and (this is serious) wagged his finger at them and asked them to get on their side of the bar. 2 of the girls did as they were asked, but then 2 different girls took their place, so direction giver walked over to all 3 girls and escorted them to their side. He came back to Nick and Anton and finished his directions and we went on our merry way, with one protest from me:
“Guys, I think I want to stay here forever. I just found out I’m into polygamy. I’ll marry all of those girls.”
We left on the right track to Chinese Laundry. I started getting a nagging worry that I would not get let in with my fake name. It was Nick Britain, but I don’t know if I spelled that name right on here. My worry was I was going to say Nick Britain, and they would ask me to spell my last name because they couldn’t find it right away on the list. Well we got in line, and Nick and Anton got in fine, but the girl in front of me said her name to the list checker woman and gave her ID to the bouncer. The bouncer heard her name and read her license. They were not the same. I said Nick Britain to the check-lister, and she crossed me off just as the bouncer turned to her and complained about this girl in front of me. She ended up getting in anyway, but the bouncer never heard me say Nick Britain, so I got in without a problem.
This bar was pretty huge. It was about 3 levels, and we pretty much danced on the bottom level, chilled on the 2nd level, and ignored the 3rd level. It wasn’t very exciting. HOWEVER, when we were on the dance floor, an Asian came up and asked me a question that I couldn’t hear very well. It sounded like ‘Do you…. Tbat… Give Me?’ I just shrugged my answer and he went away. Than Nick turned to me and asked ‘Did he just ask you for drugs?!’ I thought about it for a second before it hit me. I WAS asked for drugs. Awesome. I look barely older than 15, but I look like that shady type of 15 year old that deals drugs to Asians in bars. Classic.
Eventually, we got bored and took a taxi back to Coogee. There’s a bar there named The Palace that is supposed to be pretty big. By now, I’m practically sober. Pretty much the most I’ve been in about 3 weeks. So imagine my surprise when the bouncer here asks me how many I’ve had. I decided to go with my usual answer, but this time add in a tone of incredulousness.
“Whoa there, how many have you had?”
“Two!”
“You look like you’ve had a bit more than two there, mate.”
“That’s fucking stupid because I’ve seriously only had two.”
“Why don’t you just take it easy in there, and listen to the bouncers.”
“Yea, fine, okay. Under breath: douchebag”
Does the world understand why we do not use the Can’t Be Drunk in Bars rule in America? Massive Riots? Complete desertion of bars? Australia is dumb.
So we get in this bar and I immediately ignore the bouncer’s warning and get a beer. We just kind of chill in this bar. Anton knows a guy and is standing there talking to him, and this guy waves his friends over. His friends immediately give me a hug, and I recognize them. They were on my Spring Break trip! Oh, memories. I chat with them for a while, and another girl from my spring break trip comes up to me, knows me by name. I’ve had about 6 beers in 10 minutes, so I’m having a hard time seeing her face, and she gets extremely offended when I have no idea what her name is. Sorry if you’re reading this, but I’m becoming world famous for drinking and writing, and I don’t have time to remember you when I’m drunk.
When we’re about to leave, Anton leads us downstairs where I meet Sam, one of their close neighbors. Sam, as it turns out, has spent the whole day baking and her roommate refuses to eat anything. Would we like some drunk food? So we may now add Sam to the list of women I will marry legally in Utah. We go back to her place and her roommate is watching 10 Things I Hate About You and seems to be frightened by strangers. We sit and watch with her while Sam pours me a glass of wine and heats up pastries and junk for us to eat. We talk for a while and then Nick, Anton, and I walk back home. Friday Night, done. A side note: My roommates in Newcastle stayed in on Friday Night and played cards. I think we all know who the instigator is in the household, and they best be damn thankful for my existence.
The next day, I went with Nick to the beach to watch him surf. It was a pretty nice day, until about an hour into it, when a really dark cloud rolled in. It started raining and then I saw something strange start happening. About 2 miles off the beach over the ocean, I saw a funnel cloud. Then 2 funnels. Then 3. 2 of them turned into waterspouts (tornados over water), and my heart was beating irregularly. They weren’t heading our way, so I didn’t panic or anything, but I’ve lived in tornado alley for 10+ years, and I’ve never seen one, and I go to Australia and see 2 in one day. Stop MOCKING me, God.
We spent the rest of the day playing Wii Sports, watching Lesbian Vampire Killers, and drinking to Family Guy. After a while, we left for a bar that I never actually learned the name of, but an Australian Accent pronounced it like “Reege”. I met a lot of Nick’s friends, and this bar was a blast. We walked in and bought a beer each, and Nick stopped at this circle of guys and said happy birthday to the one. Then he introduced me to all of them and I immediately forgot their names. Nick left mumbling about something, and I assumed he was going to the bathroom, so I strike up a conversation with a couple of the guys from the group. Then Nick comes over laughing at me saying that I was invited to come with him. This is about the 4th time I’ve not followed Nick when I was supposed to, and you’d think I’d learn just to stop assuming he always has to pee, and just stick with him. Nope. Well, I follow him now, and I meet even more people whose names I forgot immediately, and we sit at this outside table. One of the guys starts talking to me and pauses to refill his drink. Turns out, he brought a bottle of liquor to the bar and is drinking it straight. He offers me a sip and I’m fairly sure it’s vodka. What is it with Australians, vodka, no chaser? Anyway, we stay at this outside table for a while, and kept drinking, and pretty soon, Nick got so drunk, he forgot that I was there. This has happened a few times, and I’m used to making new friends in a pinch. I talk to a few people, but they are less interested in me than they should be, so I tire of their mundane conversation. Time to find where Nick went.
I find him with this girl I’d met earlier, Sara. There were 2 Saras and they were easy to remember, because I’d met one of them before, and they were the only girls. Anyway, they were talking with this other girl and Nick motioned for me to come over. He introduced this girl, who was also from America. I’d had quite a bit to drink, and music was playing, and this girl decided that whispering was her choice of communication for the evening. I spent an agonizing 3 minutes trying to understand what she was saying, and it looked pretty awesome from another viewpoint: I was drunk enough to ignore personal space, so I stuck my head out and positioned my ear in front of her mouth and screamed “WHAT?!” over and over until I heard her sentence, “I’m from Portland, Oregon.” Wow. Worth it. I get sick of this girl and decide to find someone with lungs. I found the other Sara, and we hang out for the remainder of the night, just drinking and watching Nick get completely hammered, and still excel at playing pool. He must have some Jesus in his blood too. It’s about 3:45 by the time we leave the bar. We decide to go to McDonald’s. I immediately go sit down because I hate fast food, and Sara does too, but she loves pancakes. She goes up to the counter at 3:55, and is turned down because they serve breakfast at 4. She sits down at our table and waits the 5 necessary minutes and orders her “hotcakes”. We get a cab back to Nick’s place, and pass out around 4:30.
The next day, Nick slept until about 6 PM, and I read his books all day. Then we met Sara at the movie theater and saw Star Trek. It was good. Iowa is mentioned twice in the movie, and that got Nick and Sara really excited for me.
The day after that, I caught the train back to Newcastle.
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